Then I felt that every inflection of my voice, every word in my mouth, was a lie, a play whose sole purpose was to cover emptiness and boredom. There was only one way I could avoid a state of despair and a breakdown. To be silent. And to reach behind the silence for clarity or at least try to collect the resources that might still be available to me.
Everything I’ve ever let go of has claw marks on it.
I am the kind of woman who is already teaching my body to miss yours
from “sthandwa sami (my beloved, isiZulu),” bone
Life gets much harder once you realize that every thing you do is a decision of choosing one reality over an infinite number of other realities and quickly we are narrowing down the numbers though in actual fact we are doing it slowly (in proportion the worlds we forfeit each day is so much smaller in to the infinite choices we have) but we are narrowing, narrowing, narrowing, it never stops. I wish everyone understood this. Maybe then they’d give us less homework.
You would be surprised with how many people in your life could be going through depression at this very moment. People hide it like a paper bag over their heads out of fear of being judged, made fun of, seen as weak, or just not taken seriously. Depression should not be taken lightly, it holds us down from our purpose and potential in life. Those who tell you that it doesn’t exist have never experienced depression in their life, therefore not understanding the symptoms and how it’s something that cannot be fixed in a day! So if you think you are depressed or if you think you know someone else who is, please talk to a friend, a family member, or anyone else in your life that you trust - never overlook the possibility of seeing a doctor for more professional help!! Your feelings are real, your feelings are shared upon millions. Don’t hide it, talk to someone about it. With the right help, you can rediscover your confidence and begin life anew with our undying love and support!
We are right here!!
Hold my fucking hand, loser. We’re using the buddy system for the rest of our lives.
It’s nice sometimes
to open up the heart a little
and let some hurt come in.
It proves you’re still alive.
I love people who make me forget that I’m shy
One always has a better book in one’s mind than one can manage to get onto paper.
I have to stop falling in love with memories.
I’ve been homesick for countries I’ve never been, and longed to be where I couldn’t be.
It’s the city that’s killing me. It will kill me suddenly. I’ll be walking along the street, thinking of nothing in particular, and all at once I will turn sideways and dive off the curb, to be smashed by a speeding car. I will topple in front of a subway train without warning, I’ll plunge from a bridge without intention. All I will hear will be that small voice, inviting and conspiratorial, gleeful, urging me over. I know I’m capable of such a thing. (Worse: although I’m afraid of this idea and ashamed of it, and although in the daytime I find it melodramatic and ludicrous and refuse to believe in it, I also cherish it. It’s like the secret bottle stashed away by alcoholics: I may have no desire to use it, right now, but I feel more secure knowing it’s there. It’s a fallback, it’s a vice, it’s an exit. It’s a weapon.)